The dilemma I have a year-old daughter who I believe is in a relationship with a year-old man. It's been going on since she was around 17, when she began babysitting for his children.
When I ask her about it, she flatly denies it, but she is an attractive girl who has never shown any interest in guys her own age, and she lies to me about where she is going. We have had a troubled relationship for a number of years, although she's still living at home. I split up from her father five years ago and although I have a reasonably amicable relationship with him, my daughter does not.
He's in a new relationship and chooses to believe what he wants; he points out that she's off his hands now 20 year old hookup 70 year old is over I am fed up with her lying to me, but she is my child and I want the best for her.
Should I confront her with her father there, too?
Should I speak to the man she is having the relationship with? I don't know what to do. I'm not really sure what your goal here is - and I'm fairly certain that you're equally in the dark.
Is your intention to get her to end the relationship, to encourage her to confide in you in order to improve the relationship between you, or to have a family showdown? Your husband may not be all you hoped for, but he's certainly got a point. Your child is now an adult and any jot of juristic control that you once had over her comings and goings and general choices in life is no longer in effect.
That said, she has chosen to remain under your roof and if your intention is to force her to end the affair, then I suppose that is your one trump card. Having not sought an independent lifestyle, she has to some extent forfeited her rights to one, and could potentially be pressed to disclosure under threat of eviction.
But what exactly would that achieve?
Either she would depart your house in unpleasant circumstances or you'd force an admission which you would still be powerless to act on. You say that it is her lying to you that's responsible for the barrier between you, but I'd hazard a guess that your controlling, judgmental tendencies may also have something to do with it.
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Not to mention the effect of a nagging concern that your divorce may have been a contributing factor to her relationship 20 year old hookup 70 year old. I understand and sympathise. It's not the relationship you would want your young daughter to be having, but if you want to improve your own dealings with her, you're going to have to start showing an interest in her point of view. 20 year old hookup 70 year old she is having an affair with this older guy, it's unlikely to be coincidence that it began within a year of her parents' separation.
She may well feel utterly rejected by her father and therefore have found what to her seems an ideal replacement. I presume that this is something you've given some thought to? At an insecure period in her life, around the time she was finishing school, another cataclysmic event took place when you and her father decided to separate. I'm not blaming this on the demise of your marriage - a sad scenario that many people face - merely suggesting that there may be a connection between the departure of her father and her embrace of a father figure.
It will also have contributed to her feelings of low self-esteem, which also explains why she is lingering at home despite the fractious relationship with you.
Her feelings of low self-worth will only be exacerbated by your antagonistic approach to her relationship. What incentive is there to confide in you when she already knows that you disapprove wholeheartedly and want to force her to end the affair?
Applying a less judgmental and more sympathetic approach would go a long way to achieving your goal. I suggest you gently encourage her to open up by beginning conversations about unrelated matters, in the long run letting her make a positive choice to disclose rather than confessing as the result of coercion.
You'll need an understanding ear and a large dollop of patience.
It may take time but, quite honestly, it's the only way to move this situation forward. Your daughter will not end the affair just because you disapprove. You can be sure that this affair certainly won't last. Make it your goal to become her shoulder to cry on by the time it reaches its inevitable conclusion. Prolonging your aggressively opposing position will only ensure she carries on, just to spite you.
My suggestion is that you try an altogether more holistic approach that includes, despite any resentment you might harbour, improving her relationship with her father. You need to examine all the contributing factors in order to understand why a seemingly mature and to her rich sugar daddy might 20 year old hookup 70 year old an appealing option.